We have some great new people joining the team.
Allison Kane /
Allison is super friendly but also incredibly normal and there’s nothing interesting, weird, eccentric or awkward about her. Oh wait, unless you think that her having vestigial horns is interesting.
Okay, so maybe that makes sense. You might want to know that Allison was born with two tiny bumps on the crown of her head. The doctors didn’t think it was a big deal but over time the bony nodules grew, extending up and back. When Allison turned two they were three inches long and had definite points. The doctors couldn’t explain what was happening, the tissue seemed like normal bone and didn’t cause pain or other complications. But Allison’s parents decided to have the horns ground down before she got any older so that she wouldn’t have to deal with the abnormality. Childhood is difficult enough, they reasoned, and having horns on the playground could be a lot of trouble.
But the horns grew back, and continue to grow. Each year since her second birthday Allison travels to an orthopedic specialist in New York who grinds the nubs back down and then sews her up good as new. Fuzzco’s super-cool about it though. We hardly ever mention it and she gets an extra day of paid vacation for the surgery. Yep, super-cool.
Ben Jack /
Ben Jack isn’t his real name. When he first crash-landed on Earth in the forests of Siberia, he spent the first day or two unconscious and bleeding in the rubble of his spacecraft. His extraterrestrial healing powers were at work, though, repairing the damage to his body and acclimating his system to the planet’s climate. Within a week he was walking toward the nearest road, where he was picked up by a Kazakh trucker on the way to Moscow.
By the time he hit Paris two weeks later, Ben Jack could speak Russian, French and English and had decided to go by Ben Jack, the closest approximation of his real name that Earthling vocal cords could achieve.
His real name sounds more like a guttural Bbbueuiueien Jaueaueieuaueiueaque, pronounced really fast with a high, whistling E flat in the background. Don’t even try, just call him Ben Jack.
Kyle Turman /
Kyle comes from Oklahoma, where the state motto is ‘labor omnia vincit’. In English, that means ‘hard work conquers everything’ and Kyle has taken the motto as his own.
He whispers the phrase to himself constantly while he works, really quietly unless he has headphones on and then it’s loud and gets pretty annoying. He sprinkles his conversation with it, engaging in verbal Twister to bring the conversation back around to talking about how ‘hard work conquers everything’.
Kyle has the phrase tattooed on his body 37 times in different scripts, translated into 10 different languages and linked with all kinds of iconography, from cartoons of hard-working farmers to Maori tribal art to a realistic portrait of Gerald Ford (???).
But here’s the thing – Kyle doesn’t really work that hard. He’s always just kind of sitting back eating Cheetos and watching old Loony Tunes or YouTube clips of people talking about how ‘hard work conquers everything’. We try to get him to do his work but he just pops another Cheeto into his mouth and says ‘Nah man, haven’t you heard? Hard work conquers everything.’ We don’t have a good comeback to that one.
Just kidding. Read the real bios and peep their faces here.